I M Truely Cute avatar

Add comment

Loading...

Tags

Random Jokes...

You might be a redneck if…

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead, entered a room where they saw a magic mirror. If you looked into the mirror and told the truth, you got a wish. If you told a lie, you got sucked into the mirror for eternity. The redhead walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world.” The mirror sucked her up. Then, the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world.” The mirror sucked her up. Next, the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, “I think”, and the mirror quickly sucked her up. ...

Steven Wright 02

I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it. So I’m going to move to New York. I like to reminisce with people I don’t know. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. I’m so hyper . . . [Said with a very dull voice.] If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses. Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn’t me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don’t. Is it weird in here, or is it just me? A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.” ...

SIGNS YOU PUT YOUR KID IN THE WRONG PRE-SCHOOL

* Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of “Lord of the Flies.” * Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some water paints, and no pants. * “OK, kids! Gather ’round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!” * Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers. * No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret’s School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA. * Practice of “trapping and killing your lunch” not mentioned in brochure. * Leather-clad teacher announces that today’s letters are S and M. * The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle. * She can’t say her ABC’s, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat. * Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples. * For snack time, it’s always anchovies and Clamato. * “Do-Bee” always seems to have the munchies. * The teacher sends home a note reading, “Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila.” * On the first day, the children are divided into “pimps” and “hos.” ...

Clinton has a Dream

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at Martha’s Vineyard.  Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up.  “Bill, Bill wake up.”  Bill stays sleeping.  Hillary continues, “Bill, Bill  wake up”.  Bill finally wakes up and says, “What do you want?”  Hillary responds, “I have to go use the bathroom”.  To which Bill says, “Please tell me you didn’t wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.” Hillary says, “No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot”. ...

The wife is not speaking to me

A construction worker walks into a bar. He’s a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, “All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!” A sudden silence descends. After a moment he asks “Anyone got a problem with that?” The silence lengthens. He then chugs back another beer and growls, “And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!” Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, “Anyone got a problem with that?” A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. “You got a problem, buddy?” “Oh no; I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.” ...