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A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being…

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her “go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?” The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, “I’m NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!” The guy doesn’t believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says “Okay, what’s the Capital of Montana?” The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, “That’s easy! It’s M!” ...

Miracle Toddler Diet! Guaranteed Results

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don’t get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don’t get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!!! DAY ONE: Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite. Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor. DAY TWO: Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired. Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug. Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon. DAY THREE: Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible. FINAL DAY: Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. ...

You might be a college student if . . .

1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student. 2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match. 3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal. 4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents. 5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles. 6. If you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping. 7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald’s Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II). 8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads. 9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car. 10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip). 11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light. 12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself. 13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night. 14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t 15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week 16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it’s “free”, even though it tastes terrible. 17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy 18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class 19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them 20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class 21. If your social life consists of a date with the library 22. If your idea of “doing your hair” is putting on a baseball cap 23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room 24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that’s all you have 25. If you haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to class 26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn 27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter 28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over 29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference) 30. If you have built up a tolerence for beverages (he he he) 31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself 32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis 33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room 34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles 35. If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo 36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes 37. If you get more e-mail than mail. ...

Getting revenge with marriage

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: “When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.” Wife: “No, I can’t marry anyone after you.” Johnson: “But I want you to.” Wife: “But why?” Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!” ...

A Blonde Wants a Pair of Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it’s back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!” ...