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A Smart Parrot

A young man’s mother was now living in Miami Beach and he didn’t see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.  “Ma, what do you think of the bird?”  “The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer.”  “You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!”  “Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn’t it say something when I put it in the oven?” ...

How s*** happens

In the beginning was the plan. And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form. And the plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the workers. And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, “this is crock of s***, and it stinks.” And the workers went unto their supervisors and said, “it is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.” And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, “it is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.” And the managers went unto their directors, saying, “it is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.” And the directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “it contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.” And the directors went to the vice presidents, saying unto them, “it promotes growth, and it is very powerful..” And the vice presidents went to the president, saying unto him, “this new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.” And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good. And the plan became policy. And that, my friends, is how s*** happens. ...

A snail buys a fast new car

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted “240-S”. The dealer asks, “Why ‘S’?” The snail replies, “‘S’ stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who’s driving.” Well, the dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they’d say “Wow! Look at that S-car go!” ...

Fishing Boat

A blind man is seeking employment at a lumber yard as a salesmen. the manager who is interviewing the man tells him that he is more than qualified for the position other than the fact that in order to sell the lumber he would have to see it to know the size and kind of wood he was selling. “no” replied the blind man, ” i do not have to see it, all i have to do is smell it”.he then asked the manager to test him on this by placing any size and type of lumber he wanted on his desk and without touching it he would identify it. the manager agreed and placed a 8 ft x 2in x 4 in piece of pine on his desk. the blind man smelled it once and correctly indentified it as a 8 ft. x 2in x 4in piece of pine. the manager then tested him with a 4ft x 4in x 4in piece of oak. immediately the blind man identified it as a 4ft x 4in x4in piece of oak. thinking he could trick the blind man, the manager got his secretary to strip and lay naked on the desk. the blind man smelled her up and down, then up and down again. scratching his head he said, “you almost fooled me, but that’s a s*** house door off of a fishing boat.” ...

Putting It In

A guy enters confessional and says to the priest with guilt, “I had an affair…almost.” The priest says, “What do you mean ’almost?’” The guy says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped.” “In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in,” says the priest. “For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $20 in the poor box.” The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave. The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says, “You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The guy stops and says, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the box, and in the eyes of the Lord, that’s the same as putting it in.” ...