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Picking on a tardy student

A college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day’s lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil. “And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?” the professor asked. “I don’t know,” the student said. “Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,” said the professor. “That’s not true,” the student replied. “I never pay attention anyway!” ...

A Mother’s Teachings

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets home.” 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING…. “You’re going to get it when we get home!” 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!” 4. My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.” 5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE… “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.” 6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.” 7 My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” 8 My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.” 9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS… “You’re just like your father.” 10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a barn?” 11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.” 12. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE… “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….Then you’ll see what it’s like.” ...

Drinking And Driving

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar, up ahead, Earl, it’s a poll-ice roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!” “Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label, and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.” “What fer?” asked Bubba. “Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, “You boys been drinkin’?” “No, sir,” said Earl. “We’re on the patch.” ...

A nun? Drinking!

Sister mary katherine lived in a convent, a block away from jack’s liquor store. one day, in walked sister mary katherine and she said, “oh jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.” “sister mary katherine,” exclaimed jack, “i could never do that! i’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!” “oh jack,” she responded, “it’s only for the mother superior.” her voice dropped. “it helps her constipation, you know.” so, jack sold her the brandy. later that night jack closed the store and walked home. as he passed the convent, whom should he see but sister mary katherine; and she was snookered. she was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. a crowd was gathering, so jack pushed through and exclaimed, “sister mary katherine! for shame! you told me this was for the mother superior’s constipation!” sister mary katherine didn’t miss a beat as she replied: “and so it is, me lad, so it is. when she sees me, she’s going to s***!” ...

Airlines running operating systems

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them. DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc. DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing. Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up. OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash. Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever. NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can’t even get aboard. Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane they’re building. CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don’t need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don’t fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don’t go anywhere. But that’s okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home. ...