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Signs and notices 18

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England. Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW ...

God takes a holiday

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, “You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?” St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, and then says, “How about Jupiter? It’s nice and warm there this time of the year.” God shakes His head before saying, “No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.” “Hmmm,” St. Peter reflects. “Well, how about Mercury?” “No way!” God mutters, “its way too hot for me there!” “I’ve got it,” St. Peter says, his face lighting up. “How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?” Chuckling, God remarks, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they’re STILL talking about it!” ...

A staged wedding to bust dealers

As supposedly reported on CNN: Undercover police, staging the wedding of “a drug kingpin’s daughter”, let it be known on the street that dealers were “invited” (i. e. Expected to attend). The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the guests. The band playing at the wedding was “S. P. O. C.” (COPS, backwards), and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward. The long-sought dealers were arrested after the “band” took their break. The last song the band played before taking its break? “I Fought The Law, And The Law Won” ...

THE EVOLUTION OF A MOM

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first. Your Clothes 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. The Baby’s Name 1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points. Preparing for the Birth 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette 1st baby: You perish your newborn’s clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they? Worries 1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. ...

New Words

A boy from France comes to America. He wants to learn some new words so he goes to the airport and learns “take off.” Then he learns “zebra” from the zoo and “baby” from the hospital. Then he goes home and says, ”Mommy, I learned new words today.” She says, “Great, honey what did you learn?” He says, ”Takeoffzebrababy!” ...